Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Children Are A Blessing (Episode 2)

For those not familiar with Episode 1 you can catch up by clicking here.

There are a number of sayings that revolve around the concept of History repeats itself.  I notice that no specific reference is usually made to whether said events are good or bad.  Taken in context, however, they are almost universally speaking to bad things.  Baaaaaaaaaad things, even.  And thus prepared, I present to you the following cautionary tale:

(No chronologically important events have been omitted from this tale. To protect the innocent, all names have been removed.  NOTE: "Baby" from episode one is now four years old and is not a participant in this scene.)

Something foul is afoot in the land of the hilly suburbs.  The usually happy toddler is off.  36 hours of tears instead of giggles.  36 hours of "NO!" instead of "YAY!".  36 hours of pristine diapers with nary a spot of soiling.  Steeled for the worst, Mommy and Daddy start the day.  All goes well for far too short a time.

8:55 - Toddler is hiding in the corner in the front room.  Daddy thinks Toddler is trying to reach a stuck toy.

8:56 - Daddy walks over to help Toddler.  Toddler shouts, "GO!" and knocks Daddy's hands away.

8:56:20 - *sniff*  There it is.  A putrid mix redolent of dead animal and summertime National Park bathroom is rapidly insulting the air.

8:56:30 - Daddy scoops up the now flailing Toddler.  Screaming ensues.  Portions of the child are disturbingly... mushy.  Something is wrong.  Horribly, horribly wrong.

8:56:38 - Daddy calls for Mommy.

8:57:00 - Toddler is carried to the changing table.  The sounds of bloody murder fill the air.  The one-piece sleeper is unzipped half way.  The movie Spaceballs springs to mind as Daddy discovers that the lower half of his beloved child looks like Pizza the Hut.

8:57:03 - Daddy yells for Mommy.  Daddy grabs Toddler's leg and back and carries him balanced flat like a wedding cake, double time into the bathroom.

8:58 - Daddy almost enters shower, which is filled with sister's bath toys.  Daddy pivots to the trusty bathtub, also filled with toys and towels.  Toddler's screams echo and fill the room along with the ungodly stench of a half-dozen unfulfilled diaper loads.

8:58:30 - (It is important to note that Daddy has a weak gag reflex).


8:59 - Daddy stands Toddler up and starts to peel pajamas away, holding a wad of wipes futilely in the air, not knowing where to begin.  PJ's are halfway down and no flesh is visible.  It has been consumed by the evil.

9:01 - Mommy brings more wipes and paper towels and clears the bathtub of toys.

9:02 - Daddy reaches down to lift Toddler by the safe zone below the armpits.  Either Daddy miscalculated or gravity has shifted into reverse.  Daddy's right hand pushes deep into a slimy mess that runs up Toddler's back.

9:02:05 - (It is important to note that Daddy has a weak gag reflex).

9:03 - The rest of the PJs are pulled free over the bathtub, keeping all waste contained in the primary storage pool.  Daddy lifts Toddler from the tub and over to the running shower.  The flowing water from the tub and shower combine to force all air in the bathroom into the corner where it circles and churns like an otherworldly fog of yuck.
9:03:32 - (It is important to note that Daddy has a weak gag reflex).

9:03:52 - Daddy yells for Mommy to clear the floor of poo and start the other bath.
9:03:56 - (It is important to note that Mommy has a weak gag reflex).
9:05 - Toddler is screaming with gusto.  Daddy's eyes and nose are running from the acrid smell and chaos.  Daddy sprays some of the still cool water onto his hand and wipes it across his face to shock away the gag reflex.  Daddy then wonders which hand had been recently buried in an explosion of poo.
9:05:15 - (It is important to note that Daddy has a weak gag reflex).

9:10 - All unsavory traces of the event have been removed from Toddler and Toddler's lips are turning blue.  Mommy returns to announce that the bathtub is ready at the other side of the house.  Daddy shuts off water and rushes Toddler to the guest bath, mentally scoring two points for using three baths for one child for the first time ever.

9:12 - Crying has stopped and Toddler's lips are no longer blue.  Daddy leans in close with a tissue to wipe clean a severe runny nose.  Todder reacts with a violent sneeze, projecting a hefty wad of mucus from his adorable button nose and into Daddy's open mouth.

9:12:32 - (It is important to note that Daddy has a weak gag reflex).

9:16 - Toddler has returned to a joyful state.  Toddler breaks into song, sings the ABC's and laughs for the first time in a day and a half as Daddy holds him tight and then towels away the water and the terrible memories of the morning that once was.

And that, my friends, is all he wrote.


Mistress of the Darkside said...

There comes a time in every parent's life where he or she must finally say, "Fuck footie pajamas!"
Because, you see, as the child grows so does the amount of fecal matter they are able to expel in one sitting and a pair of footie pajamas full of shit is not anyone's idea of a good time. You think you're grossed out? Ask the toddler who now has skid marks on his chin.

Kerzenlicht said...

I think you should write a whole book of daily reports with The Family. It would absolutely enlighten us poor bastards who still have to go through all that shit (literally).

nightmaiden said...

I laughed until I cried. Good Lord. These children are out to kill us.