Monday, January 24, 2011

Musings Whilst Sickened

Getting sick is pretty much a rite of passage for new parents.  No matter how organic, how sterilized, how granola you attempt to be with your precious bundle of joy, you will eventually let your spawn mingle with other, less health oriented spawn of other, less health oriented parents and WHAMMO - you're sleeping 18 hours a day and sucking your lunch through a straw in the mouth of a 7-up bottle.

My three year old took ill on New Years Eve.  She was pushing high 103 all night and we ran her to the hospital New Years Day for precaution.  She slept.  She cried.  Her eyeball swelled up like an angry volcano.  8 days later, she rallied and passed the quaranteen test in time for her baby brother's temp to flare.  102-103.  7 more days.  One more flaming red eyeball of bruised and oozy death.

Pretty solid recovery on his end and he didn't complain much.  (Boys vs Girls, I'm told by more experienced parents).  Then the 15th... I didn't feel well and went to bed early.  Woke up at 1pm on the 16th.  For two whole hours.  Passed out again until midday the 17th.  102.5 fever.  Chills.  Inability to function.  Crazy stuff.  Wife slapped the kid's QUARANTEEN sign on the bedroom and ran for the couch.  I stayed in bed for 4 days and took 3 days longer just to get moving around again.  Good times.

Here are some thoughts I pondered whilst sickened:

1) Even a $3,000 bed feels like CRAP after 4 days.

2) When you can't lift the phone to your face to check emails, YOU ARE SICK.

3) There is no point to paying for cable television because at any point in the day, if there is not a game on, there is NOTHING ON TELEVISION.

4) The Nyquil company is stupid.  Doseage for adults is 30ml.  Pretty much NO ONE ELSE should ever be taking this stuff, based on the warnings.  Why then, do they notch for 20ml, 15ml, etc?   What's the point?  Engineers got nothing better to do?

5) Even when you can't taste your breakfast, lunch or dinner - Chinese herbs still taste like crap.  However, acupuncture is AWESOME.

6) People just don't use whilst in everyday language enough.

7) I have no idea how to properly use whilst in everyday language.
Finally - should probably make a comment about writing.  I am compelled to launch what will be the first salvo in a full clip of ammo I have dedicated to the destruction of the most well worn writing adage of them all: 'You Must Write Everyday!"  BANG!  Fuck you, adage.  There, whew - that felt good.  Here is a short tip for you family guys out there: if you're sick and out of commission for five-six days, here is the LAST THING you should say to your wife:  "Thanks for single parenting it this week.  But I'm behind on my unagented novel and I feel like I could be awake for maybe a little bit, so if you could sack up and handle another couple of hours, you'd be a peach. Thanks."

You may become an author faster, but you are never, ever going to score.  Going to check a diaper now. Peace out.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

One Track Trainwrecks

Why, hello January 1st!  Nice to see you here on the sunny 15th, lounging around with the rest of the past fourteen days while you wait for football games to start.  Me?  No, I can't watch the game today.  Kids are still sick with some sort of alien scuffaluffagus they picked up before New Years.  There is screaming to subdue, snot to wipe and toys to disinfect.  Thanks for asking though.

What's that?  Yes, I know that computer time is like tv time.  But I owed you a blog post at the crack of the new year and well, that just didn't happen.  But I did learn that Children's Hospital is a special kind of wreck on New Years Day and that's the kind of experience you keep with you forever.  The other fourteen days?  Well... The single track intentions of an overwhelmed writer go something like this:

(1/1) I MUST POST A BLOG:  Dammit!  I know I planned to hit the blog running in 2011, but I was first supposed to finish that edit in 2010 no matter what.  So much for deadlines.  Maybe I can knock it out before work starts up on the 3rd, then do the blog after work on Monday.  Yeah, good plan.

(1/4) I MUST POST A BLOG:  Well, the 3rd came and went.  Wow are these kids are sick.  I've slept four hours total in 2011 and it's back to the corporate grind.  Since I can't dedicate tired brain cells to editing, I guess I can blog.  Ugh.  But I should really clean up the look of the page first.  Won't do to pin a diamond broach to warthog.  Maybe I'll do that (yawn) tomorrow.

(1/8) I MUST POST A BLOG: Ah, hell.  It's the 8th.  No book edit.  No blog.  No sleep.  My day job has just moved - turning a 25 minute commute to a 45 minute one.  Not helpful.  Meanwhile, no amount of coffee can salvage my exhausted state.  Screw it, let's play on Twitter and meet folks.  Self promotion is a crucial step in the independent author's game - all the pros say so!  Hey, what time is it?

(1/10) I MUST POST A BLOG: It's the 10th.  Are you kidding me?  The 10th?  So much for resolutions and well laid plans.  Fine, I'll post a blog and link it to the site.  The site with no updates.  My God, what a dump that is.  Let's update it first.  Have to have a good looking portal to the attractive front end to the well designed page with my initial pitch.  Yeah, good thinking.  I'll fix it all up in the 25 minutes I have before the screaming in the background brings down the Rapture.  (insert child puking here)  ...Or not.

(1/11) I MUST POST A BLOG: Why don't I hear fans running in my PC?  Why does the thermometer panel read 175 degrees?  Why did the monitor just black out?

(1/13) I MUST POST A BLOG: Computer is fixed, but this stock blog page is awful.  How pedestrian can one be and expect success?  Let's tweak this background.  Awful.  How about this one.  Ugh.  Why is the damn header about 250px narrower than the rest of the page?  Page = 920px, graphic = 920px - the damn things should match.  Oh goodie, now the gadgets are embedded into the body.  Screw this, where's the Jack Daniels?

(1/14) I MUST POST A BLOG: Or not.  Why does my throat hurt?  Oh yeah, those canisters of VX gas that my children brought home from daycare. Speaking of which, why haven't we all bubbled away into nothingness by now?  Oh, just pink eye and the flu? Well, that explains something.  Hey, I got a jpg file to load correctly!  A MIRACLE!  Who says prayer doesn't work?!

(1/15) I POSTED A BLOG:  Now pass the Tylenol Cold.  Where's my pillow?